Collection of Jokes

Migration

2006-06-20T02:05:00.000-07:00

I will be soon migrating to my own domain
http://enagar.com/

Reason
1) It allows me to modify template without having to break my head in reading through the HTML code
2) It allows me to create tags so i can post entries targeted to 3 totally different moods in a single blog instead of maintaining separate blogs.

Change happens.

2006-06-18T22:46:00.000-07:00

A man was talking to his grandson.
"Tommy, I was born before television, penicillin, polio shots, frozen foods, copy machines, contact lenses, Frisbees and the pill. There was no radar, credit cards, pantyhose, fast food, pizza joints, computers, lasers or ballpoint pens. The only 'aids' we knew of were helpers in the school office, chips came from wood, hardware came from hardware store and software wasn't even a word. Only millionaires had air conditioners, dishwashers, or clothes dryers. Our clothes dried outside, in fresh air and sunshine. Not only had man not walked on the moon, nothing had ever gone into space, and no one had even broken the sound barrier. Families got married first and lived together after. Most families had a father and a mother. Until I was 25, I called any man older than I, 'Sir.' After 25, I still called policemen and every man with a title, 'Sir.' We didn't have gay rights, equality for women, dual careers, daycare centers, or group therapy. Many schools were racially segregated. Our lives were governed by the Ten Commandments, good judgment, and common sense. We were taught the difference between right and wrong and to take responsibility for our actions. Serving your country was a privilege. Living here was an even bigger privilege. 'Having a meaningful relationship' meant getting along with your cousins. Time-sharing meant spending time with your family. Grass was mowed, coke came in cold bottles, pot was for cooking and rock music was a lullaby from grandma. We never heard of FM radios, tape decks, CDs, MP3s, electric typewriters, yogurt, or guys wearing earrings. We listened to the radio. Anything that said 'Made in Japan' was junk. There was no instant coffee, let alone a four-dollar cup of coffee. We had 5 & 10-cent stores that actually sold things for those prices. Ice-cream cones, phone calls, streetcar rides, and Coke all cost a nickel. Postage stamps cost 3¢ and postcards a penny. You could buy a new car for $600 and fill it with gas at 11¢ a gallon, but it had almost no safety equipment, not even a seat belt. We even thought a woman needed a man to have a baby."
"Gosh, Grandpa. Just how old are you, anyway?" asked Tommy.
His grandfather replied, "I am 59."

The only thing constant is "change"

ladykiller

2006-06-18T06:43:00.000-07:00

A young woman gazed up from her hospital bed at the very handsome doctor who was examining her chart. She fluttered her eyelids and said, “They tell me that your are a real lady killer.” The doctor smiled and shook his head. “No, I make no distinction between the sexes.”

REACTIONS TO THE MARKET CRASH

2006-06-14T22:11:00.000-07:00

THE STOCK market rollercoaster has left many people dazed and confused, if not broke. Hindustan Times decided to ask some of the finest

minds around about what they thought of the crash, boom, bang on the BSE.

MANEKA GANDHI: What did you expect! I have it from reliable sources that those stupid brokers had been running a bull market, alternating it with a bear market. Disgusting! Serves them right.

BAL THACKERAY: It's providence. The government should have renamed the BSE the Chhatrapati Shivaji Stock Exchange. Fits in nicely in the area too, since it's pretty close to the Chhatrapati Shivaji Vaastu Sangrahalaya [the museum, in case you didn't know] and the Chhatrapati Shivaji Terminus.

MALIKA SHERAWAT: It's the Sen-sex, after all. So it goes up and down, up and down, up and down...

ARJUN SINGH: The HRD Ministry is proposing a 27 per cent reservation on the 30-share index for penny stocks, since they may be considered backward. The current 'correction' is nothing but a manifestation of years of neglect of such shares.

SHAYAN MUNSHI: I saw nothing, I heard nothing, I don't even speak Hindi.

ESHA DEOL: Sen? Sex? Isn't that the story of my latest movie, Ankahee?

SALMAN KHAN: Let's just shoot those damn bears!

LALU PRASAD YADAV: Kya bole? Bull bhaag gaye? Arre, hamaare paas bahut hai, ek do le jaaon. As it is, Nitish Kumar has taken over our bungalow and we have nowhere to keep them.

MANMOHAN SINGH: We're introducing a bill making it illegal for the Sensex to fall below the 10,500-point mark. Brokerages are, after all, offices of profit.

BILL CLINTON: Sen-sex? I did not have sex-ual relations with that woman, Miss Sen.

GEORGE W. BUSH: Let's bomb the BSE!

quote from simpson

2006-06-12T03:09:00.000-07:00

I found a wonderful quote in the Simpson in which the junior was saying:
I don't know! I don't know why I did it, I don't know why I enjoyed it, and I don't know why I'll do it again!

value our veterans

2006-06-08T21:35:00.000-07:00

SENIORS are more valuable than any
of the younger generations:

We have silver in our hair.
We have gold in our teeth.
We have stones in our kidneys.
We have lead in our feet.
And . . .
We are loaded with natural gas.
*********************************
HUSBAND: Leave me alone!
WIFE: It won't take long.

HUSBAND: I won't be able to sleep afterwards.
WIFE: I can't sleep without it.

HUSBAND: Why do you think of things like this
in the middle of the night?
WIFE: Because I'm Hot.

HUSBAND: You get hot at the damnedest times.
WIFE: If you love me I wouldn't have to beg you.

HUSBAND: If you love me you'd be more considerate.
Wife: You don't love me anymore.

HUSBAND: Yes I do, but let's forget it for tonight.
WIFE: (Sob-Sob)

HUSBAND: Alright, I'll do it.
WIFE: What's the matter? Need a flashlight?

HUSBAND: I can't find it.
WIFE: Oh, for heaven's sake, feel for it!

HUSBAND: There! Are you satisfied?
WIFE: Oh, yes, honey.

HUSBAND: Is it up far enough?
WIFE: Oh, that's fine.

HUSBAND: Now go to sleep and from now on
when you want the window open, do it yourself.

Maths teacher got arrested

2006-06-05T22:21:00.000-07:00

At New York's Kennedy airport today, an individual, later discovered to be a public school teacher, was arrested trying to board a flight while in possession of a ruler, a protractor, a setsquare, a slide rule, and a calculator.

At a morning press conference, Attorney General Alberto Gonzales said he believes the man is a member of the notorious Al-Gebra movement. He is being charged by the FBI with carrying weapons of math instruction.

"Al-gebra is a fearsome cult, "Gonzales said. They desire average solutions by means and extremes, and sometimes go off on tangents in a search of absolute value.

They use secret code names like 'x' and 'y' and refer to themselves as unknowns, but we have determined they belong to a common denominator of the axis of medieval with coordinates in every country. As the Greek philanderer Isosceles used to say, "There are 3 sides to every triangle."

When asked to comment on the arrest, President Bush said, "If God had wanted us to have better weapons of math instruction, He would have given us more fingers and toes.

Pathetic cooking

2006-06-05T06:17:00.000-07:00

A newlywed is trying to console his little bride, who sprawled, dissolved in tears on the couch. “Darling’” he implored, “Believe me. I never said you were a terrible cook. I merely pointed out that our garbage disposal has developed an ulcer.”

business

2006-05-31T06:29:00.000-07:00

A shy, drunken, innocent young man walked up to a beautiful young woman in a pub and said: "Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?"

"Yes I do," replied the beautiful young woman, "But go ahead, as I'm sure you're going to ask me anyway..."

"OK," said the shy, drunken, innocent young man, "How many men have you slept with?"

"That's none of your business!" snapped the woman.

"Oh, cool!" said the young man. "I didn't realize you made a living at it!

life of a teacher

2006-05-29T05:19:00.000-07:00

After being interviewed by the school principal, the prospective teacher said, "Let me make sure I've got this right: you want me to take a room full of kids, fill them with a love for learning, instill pride in their ethnicity, maintain a safe environment, modify their disruptive behavior, observe them for signs of abuse, check their heads for lice, censor their T-shirt messages and dress habits, wage war on drugs and sexually transmitted diseases, check their backpacks for weapons, raise their self esteem, teach them patriotism, citizenship, sportsmanship, fair play, how to register to vote, how to balance a checkbook, how to apply for a job, recognize signs of anti-social behavior, make sure they all pass mandatory state exams (even those who don't attend regularly or finish assignments), give every student an equal education (regardless of mental or physical handicaps), communicate regularly with their parents by letter, telephone, newsletter, email, and report card, provide many of my own supplies since you have no budget to do so, and all on a salary that qualifies my family for food stamps? You expect me to do all this and then you expect me to not pray?!"

buying condoms

2006-05-29T04:53:00.000-07:00

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night and
have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a big event,
the girl announces to her boyfriend that after dinner,
she would like to go out and make love for the first time.

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex before,
so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get some condoms.
He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and the pharmacist
helps the boy for about an hour. He tells the boy everything
there is to know about condoms and sex.

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family pack.
The boy insists on the family pack because he thinks
he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents house
and meets his girlfriend at the door.
"Oh, I'm so excited for you to meet my parents,
come on in!"

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table
where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly offers
to say grace and bows his head.

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,
with his head down.

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.
Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down,
the girlfriend leans over and whispers to the boyfriend,
"I had no idea you were this religious."

The boy turns, and whispers back,
"I had no idea your father was a pharmacist."

Men at work

2006-05-25T02:55:00.000-07:00

useful Acronyms

2006-05-12T05:04:00.000-07:00

PCMCIA: People Can't Memorize Computer Industry Acronyms.

ISDN:It Still Does Nothing

APPLE:Arrogance Produces Profit-Losing Entity

SCSI:System Can't See It

DOS:Defective Operating System

BASIC:Bill's Attempt to Seize Industry Control

IBM:I Blame Microsoft

DEC:Do Expect Cuts

CD-ROM:Consumer Device, Rendered Obsolete in Months

OS/2:Obsolete Soon, Too.

WWW:World Wide Wait

MACINTOSH:Most Applications Crash; If Not, The Operating System Hangs

PENTIUM:Produces Erroneous Numbers Through Incorrect Understanding of
Mathematics

COBOL:Completely Obsolete Business Oriented Language

AMIGA:A Merely Insignificant Game Addiction

LISP:Lots of Infuriating & Silly Parenthesis

MIPS:Meaningless Indication of Processor Speed

WINDOWS:Will Install Needless Data On Whole System

GIRO:Garbage In Rubbish Out

MICROSOFT:Most Intelligent Customers Realize Our Software Only (for)
Fools (&) Teenagers.

first day in Med college

2006-05-12T03:29:00.000-07:00

First-year students at Med School were receiving their first Anatomy

class with a real dead human body. They all gathered around the

surgery table with the body covered with a white sheet. The professor

started the class by telling them: "In medicine, it Is necessary to

have 2 important qualities as a doctor. The first is that you not be

disgusted by anything involving the human body." For an example, the

Professor pulled back the sheet, stuck his finger in the butt of the

corpse, withdrew it and stuck his finger in his mouth." Go ahead and

do the same thing," he told his students. The students freaked out,

hesitated for several minutes, but eventually took turns sticking a

finger in the butt of the dead body and sucking on it.

When everyone had finished, the Professor looked at them and told

them, "The second most important quality is observation. I stuck in my

Middle finger and sucked on my Index finger.... Now learn to pay

attention."

interview

2006-05-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

What to do when you face with an unsolvable problem in office

overdue

2006-05-04T23:32:00.000-07:00

Mr.Verma comes home one night, and his wife throws her arms around his neck:
"I have great news: I'm a month overdue. I think we're going to have a baby!
The doctor gave me a test today, but until we find out for sure, we can't tell anybody."

The next day, Mrs.Verma receives a telephone call from AEC (Ahmedabad Electric Company) because the electricity bill has not been paid.

"Am I speaking to Mrs.Verma?"
"Yes...... speaking"
AEC guy, "You're a month overdue, you know!"
"How do YOU know?" stammers the young woman.
"Well, ma'am, it's in our files!" says the AEC guy .
"What are you saying? It's in your files ...... HOW ?????"
" Yes ............. We have a system of finding out who's overdue "
" GOD !!!!!!......... this is too much.........."
"Madam, I am sorry...... I am following orders.... I have to inform you are overdue"
"I know that ....... let me talk to my husband about this tonight. ....he will speak to your company tomorrow "

That night, she tells her husband about the visitand he, mad as a bull, rushes to AEC office the next day morning.

"What's going on? You have it on file that my wife is a month overdue?
What business is that of yours?" the husband shouts.
"Just calm down," says the lady at the reception at AEC, "it's nothing serious. All you have to do is pay us."
"PAY you? and if I refuse?"
"Well, in that case, sir, we'd have no option but to cut yours off."
"And what would my wife do then?" the husband asks.
"I don't know. May be Candle or Else

2006-04-30T08:29:00.000-07:00

The big difference between sex for money and sex for free is that sex for money costs less.
Brendan Francis
*******

I chased a woman for almost two years only to discover her tastes were exactly like mine - we were both crazy about girls.
Groucho Marx

cell phone lost

2006-04-26T23:16:00.000-07:00

A customer left his cell phone at the convenience store, so the clerk scrolled through the phone's phonebook, found "Mom," and pushed Send. A nice lady answered and he explained what had happened. She assured him, "Don't worry; I'll take care of it."
A minute later, the cell phone rang. The Caller ID read, "Mom." "Martin," she said, "you left your cell phone at the convenience store!"

ordering a drink

2006-04-25T00:57:00.000-07:00

Two blokes entered the pub for a drink, called the proprietor over, and asked him to settle an argument. "So, are there two pints in a quart or four?" they asked him.
"Two pints in a quart," confirmed the proprietor. They moved to a table and when the barmaid asked for their order, told her, "Two pints, please, miss, and the bartender offered to buy 'em for us."
The barmaid doubted them and told them so. "My boss? That would be a first for that tightwad!"
One bloke called out to the proprietor across the room, "You did say two pints, didn't you?"
"That's right," he called back. "Two pints!"

more dirty Lawer sayings

2006-04-23T05:33:00.000-07:00

1) Have you looked through his briefs?
2) He is one hard judge!
3) For 200$ an hour, she better be good!

our generals

2006-04-19T01:33:00.000-07:00

"That's the difference in the last two administrations: President Bush can't control his Generals. President Clinton couldn't control his privates!"

Bush's inbox

2006-04-17T21:34:00.000-07:00

toilet and job

2006-04-14T00:10:00.000-07:00

the major difference between a toilet and a job working with the public is that a toilet only has to handle one a$$hole at a time!

future plans

2006-04-05T05:01:00.000-07:00

Plan For Future:
Teacher asks children, what do u wish 2 do in future?
Ram: I want 2 b a pilot.
Vinod:I want 2 b a doctor.
Deepa:I want 2 b a good mother.
Rajesh : I want 2 help Deepa.

simple truth of life

2006-04-04T06:10:00.000-07:00

Mary said to her neighbor, “Don’t tell me you believe your husband’s story that he spent the day fishing. Why, he didn’t come home with a single fish.”
That’s why I believe him,” the neighbor said.

2006-04-01T02:23:00.000-08:00

1. Why do people say, "You've been working like a dog", when dogs just sit around all day?

2. What should one call a male ladybird?

3. If a person owns a piece of land do they own it all the way down to the core of the earth?

4. Why do most cars have speedometers that go up to at least 130 when you legally can't go that fast on any road?

michael jackson

2006-03-30T07:22:00.000-08:00

Michael Jackson and his wife are in the recovery room with their new baby son.

The doctor walks in and Michael asks: "Doctor, how long before we can have sex?"

The doctor replies, "I'd wait until he's at least 14."
**********

2006-03-22T02:59:00.000-08:00

black buck

3d imagination

security

2006-03-22T02:58:00.000-08:00

similarity

2006-03-22T02:45:00.000-08:00

How does a shotgun with a broken firing pin resemble a government worker? It won't work and you can't fire it.
/*/*/*/*/

What do politicians and diapers have in common? Both should be changed regularly and for the same reason.

arthritis

2006-03-18T08:56:00.000-08:00

A man who smelled like a distillery flopped on a subway seat next to a priest.

The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half-empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket.

He opened his newspaper and began reading.

After a few minutes the disheveled guy turned to the priest and asked, "Say, Father, what causes arthritis?"

"Mister, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, and a contempt for your fellow man."

"Wow," the drunk muttered, returning to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. "I'm very sorry, I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?"

"I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does."

******************
A female press reporter slaps a man.
Another man standing near asks the man "why did she slapped you" ?
Man replied: On her T-shirt over her breast it was written 'press'. So
I just pressed

**********************
An advertisement by manufacturer of Women's undergarment: We are not
best in the world but we are closest to the best things in the
world

air-sickness

2006-03-18T08:51:00.000-08:00

A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him and immediately falls asleep. The little guy starts to feel a little airsick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom. He knows he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do. Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes through the little guy. He can't hold it in any longer and pukes all over the big guy's chest. About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him. "So," says the little guy, "are you feeling better now?"

The Hypnotist

2006-03-18T08:48:00.000-08:00

The Hypnotist

It was entertainment night at the senior center and the Amazing
Claude was topping the bill. People came from miles around to see
the famed hypnotist do his stuff. As Claude went to the front of the
meeting room, he announced, "Unlike most hypnotists who invite two
or three people up here to be put into a trance, I intend to
hypnotize each and every member of the audience."
The excitement was almost electric as Claude withdrew a beautiful
antique pocket watch from his coat. "I want you each to keep your
eye on this antique watch. It's a very special watch. It's been in
my family for six generations.
He began to swing the watch gently back and forth while quietly
chanting, "Watch the watch, watch the watch, watch the watch..."
The crowd became mesmerized as the watch swayed back and
forth, light gleaming off its polished surface. Hundreds of pairs
of eyes followed the swaying watch, until, suddenly,----- it slipped
from the hypnotist's fingers and fell to the floor, breaking into a
hundred pieces.

Shit!" said the Hypnotist...

It took three weeks to clean up the senior center.

*****************************************************
"I've just learned about his illness.
Let's hope it's nothing trivial."
Irvin S. Cobb

Calvin & Hobbes

2006-03-12T06:51:00.000-08:00

friendship

2006-03-10T00:28:00.000-08:00

Friendship between women:
A woman didn't come home one night. The next day she told her husband that she had slept over at a girlfriend's house. The man called his wife's 10 best friends. None of them knew anything about it.

Friendship between men:
A man didn't come home one night. The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a buddy's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends. Eight of them confirmed that he had slept over, and two claimed that he was still there.

another puzzle

2006-03-07T07:39:00.000-08:00

A patron of the diner called the waitress over an dcomplained that there was a used match in his coffee. The waitress took his cup away and returned forthwith, saying, "Here's a fresh cup." The man tasted the coffee, slammed his fist on the table and declated: "All you ddi was take out the match!" How did he know?

my wife and ur mistress

2006-03-02T00:43:00.000-08:00

A married executive flew to Palm Springs on business but had so much fun that he decided to stay another week and vacation. Wanting to share his newly-discovered oasis, he happily phoned a bachelor friend, "Grab a plane tomorrow and come down for a week on me. And bring along my wife and your mistress." His friend gulped, "How long have you known?"

*****

We spend the first twelve months of our children's lives teaching them to walk and talk, and the next Twenty-four years telling them to sit down and shut up!

************8
The physician writing out a prescription for his hypertensive cardiac patient: “Diazepam 5mg (tranquilizer) TDS".
The patient’s wife asks, "Doctor, when are these medicines to be given?"
Doctor: "These are to be taken by you. He needs rest"

Bush

2006-03-01T20:11:00.000-08:00

The first photo was taken when the Chinese president went to US.
The second photo was taken when the US President went to China.

mushroom

2006-03-01T20:07:00.000-08:00

toilet paper

2006-02-27T21:59:00.000-08:00

A Foreigner had a very spicy Indian dinner Next morning he came out of the toilet & said...now I understand why Indians use water this bloody tissue paper can catch fire!!

Guts

2006-02-27T01:05:00.000-08:00

Arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

Denise

2006-02-24T01:09:00.000-08:00

A pregnant woman gets into a car accident and falls into a deep coma. Asleep for nearly six months, she wakes up and sees that she is no longer pregnant. Frantically, she asks the doctor about her baby. The doctor replies, "Ma'am, you had twins! A boy and a girl. The babies are fine. Your brother came in and named them." The woman thinks to herself, "Oh no, not my brother -- he's an idiot!" Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?" "Denise," the doctor says. The new mother thinks, "Wow, that's not a bad name! Guess I was wrong about my brother. I like Denise!" Then she asks the doctor, "What's the boy's name?" The doctor replies, DeNephew.

cow slaughter

2006-02-22T00:54:00.000-08:00

Hillary Clinton was riding in her limousine through a rural area when an ancient cow loomed in front of the car. He swerved to avoid it but failed and the aged bovine was struck and killed. She told him to go to the nearby farmhouse and explain to its owners what had happened while she sat in the car on her cell phone. An hour later, her driver staggered back to the car, his clothes in disarray, a nearly-empty bottle of wine in one hand, a big Cuban cigar in his mouth, and a big smile on his lipstick-smeared face. "What in the hell happened?" asked Hillary. He replied sheepishly, "The farmer gave me the cigar, his wife gave me the wine, and their beautiful twin daughters made passionate love to me for the past hour!" "What? Why? My God, man, what did you tell them?" she asked. He replied, "I just said, 'I'm Hillary Clinton's driver and I've just killed the old cow!' And the rest just happened!"

DUI

2006-02-21T20:05:00.000-08:00

One night a police officer was staking out a particularly rowdy bar for possible DUI violations. At closing time, he saw a fellow tumble out of the bar, trip on the curb, and try his keys in five different cars before he found his. Then he sat in the front seat fumbling around with his keys for several minutes. Everyone else left the bar and drove off. Finally he started his engine and began to pull away. The police officer was waiting for him. He stopped the driver, read him his rights and administered the Breathalyzer test. The results showed a reading of 0.0. The puzzled officer demanded to know how that could be.The driver replied, "Tonight I'm the designated decoy.".

another puzzle

2006-02-21T01:02:00.000-08:00

A man wanted to enter an exclusive club but did not know the password that was required. He waited by the door and listened.

A club member knocked on the door and the doorman said, "Twelve." The member replied, "six” and was let in.

A second member came to the door and the doorman said, "Six." The member replied, "Three" and was let in.

The man thought he had heard enough and walked up to the door. The doorman said,"Ten" and the man replied, "five." But he was not let in.

What should have he said?

economy quote

2006-02-18T09:24:00.000-08:00

"The government's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it."
-Ronald Reagan

slapstick-joke

2006-02-17T01:49:00.000-08:00

A man approached a lovely young lady at the bar, "May I buy you a cocktail?" She answered, "No, thank you. Alcohol is bad for my legs."
He replied, "Oh. I'm sorry to hear that. Do they swell?"
She said, "No, they open!"

cartoon

2006-02-15T20:00:00.000-08:00

Valentine's day quote

2006-02-14T21:32:00.000-08:00

Cupid’s dart hurts more coming out than going in.

lateral thinking

2006-02-13T03:14:00.000-08:00

A man and his son are in a car accident. The father dies on the scene, but the child is rushed to the hospital. When he arrives the surgeon says, "I can't operate on this boy, he is my son! " How can this be?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
2. A man is wearing black. Black shoes, socks, trousers, lumper, gloves and balaclava. He is walking down a black street with all the street lamps off. A black car is coming towards him with its light off but somehow manages to stop in time. How did the driver see the man?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 3. Why is it better to have round manhole covers than square ones?

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 5. A man went to a part y and drank some of the punch. He then left early. Everyone else at the party who drank the punch subsequently died of poisoning. Why did the man not die?
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ 6. A man walks into a bar and asks the barman for a glass of water. The barman pulls out a gun and points it at the man. The man says 'Thank you' and walks out.

Ask me for the answers.

A day in Call centre

2006-02-09T20:40:00.000-08:00

This is a true story from the Word Perfect Helpline, which was transcribed from a recording monitoring the customer care department. Needless to say the Help Desk employee was fired; however, he/she is currently suing the Word Perfect organization for "Termination without Cause".

Actual dialogue of a former Word Perfect Customer Support employee (now I know why they record these conversations!):

Operator: "Ridge Hall, computer assistance, may I help you?"
Caller: "Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect."
Operator: "What sort of trouble??"
Caller: "Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away."
Operator: "Went away?"
Caller: "They disappeared."
Operator: "Hmm. So what does your screen look like now?"
Caller: "Nothing."
Operator: "Nothing??"
Caller: "It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type."
Operator: "Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??"
Caller: "How do I tell?"
Operator: "Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??"
Caller: "What's a sea-prompt?"
Operator: "Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?"
Caller: "There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type."
Operator: "Does your monitor have a power indicator??"
Caller: "What's a monitor?"
Operator: "It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV.
Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??"
Caller: "I don't know."
Operator: "Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??"
Caller: "Yes, I think so."
Operator: "Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: "Yes, it is."
Operator: "When you were behind the monitor, did you notice if there were two cables in the back of it, not just one?"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable."
Caller: "Okay, here it is."
Operator: "Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer."
Caller: "I can't reach."
Operator: "Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??"
Caller: "No."
Operator: "Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??"
Caller: "Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark."
Operator: "Dark??"
Caller: "Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window."
Operator: "Well, turn on the office light then."
Caller: "I can't."
Operator: "No? Why not??"
Caller: "Because there's a power failure."
Operator: "A power...................................... A power failure?
Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now. Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??"
Caller:"Well, yes, I keep them in the closet."
Operator: "Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from."
Caller: "Really? Is it that bad?"
Operator: "Yes, I'm afraid it is."
Caller: "Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??"
Operator: "Tell them you're too f*%king stupid to own a computer!!!!!"

Sw engg profile

2006-02-07T23:37:00.000-08:00

(Orkut) Profile of a Software Engineer

About me: I think I am changing the world, but I am not. I think I am
contributing to the Indian economy, but I guess I am not. I think I love
my work, but I do not. I think I hate all people who made me earn my
engineering degree, and I do. I think I am living, but and most
importantly, I am LOOKING for someone!! Ok...I won't be funny anymore. I
am a cool guy with a zeal to enjoy life (If you know me--> "Just stop
laughing!!")

Relationship status: what?

Birthday: The day my PL is about to fire me

Age: 10111

Here for: web browsing in company hours

Children: can't be (hey, don't get me wrong here!!)

Ethnicity: Programmer

Languages I speak: Java, C/C++, 010101110101

Religion: I get holidays on all religious festivals, so I love all religions.

Political view: the guy sitting beside me is a pig!!

Humor: weekly

Sexual orientation: When will I have sex?

Fashion: Ask my company HR. Btw, I like jeans, t-shirt and a cross-bag.

Smoking: The second greatest pleasure on the earth

Drinking: The first is this.

Pets: Yeah, my PL looks like a dog.

Living: Cummon, this is a stupid one. How can this be asked to a software
engineer? Believe me, I am living!!

Hometown: My company (Oh God! Please bring my appraiser to this page)

Webpage: http://naukri.com, http://jobsahead.com

Passions: searching for the cheapest pub around, cursing my company,
looking for another company, remembering my good old college days,
worrying about my future

Sports: quake, CS (Counter Strike), computer chess

Activities: Are you crazy?

Books: "How to lose weight in 20 days?", "How to live a happy life?", "101
ways to attract a girl", "Java Unleashed", "C++ at your footsteps", Others
censored

Music: Metallica, Pink Floyd, Nirvana, ACDC, and anything depressing

Tv shows: can't afford one

Cuisines: Bread Butter, Maggi, anything available within 200 metres of home

racial prejudice

2006-02-06T00:16:00.000-08:00

The first grade teacher announced a spelling competition one warm spring afternoon. "Anyone who spells a word correctly gets to go home early. Mary, what did you do at lunchtime?" Mary replied, "I played in the sandbox, teacher." "Okay. Mary. Spell 'box.'" Mary smiled. "B-o-x. Box." "Very good, you may go home. Tommy, what did you do at lunch?" "I played with the toy cars." "Tommy, spell 'car.'" "C-a-r. Car." "Very good, Tommy, you may go home, too. Johnny, why are you crying?" A sniffling Johnny replied, "At lunch, Mary and Tommy wouldn't play with me because I'm black." The teacher frowned. "Oh, Johnny. That's terrible. That's called 'racial prejudice!' Johnny, spell 'racial prejudice!'"

one liner

2006-02-02T09:40:00.000-08:00

A bicycle can’t stand on its own because it’s two tired.

Hindustani

2006-01-27T12:42:00.000-08:00

Bengali
One Bengali = poet.
Two Bengalis = a film society.
Three Bengalis = political party.
Four Bengalis = two political parties.
More than four Bengali's - Countrywide agitation to bring dada into Team.

Bihari
One Bihari = Laloo Prasad Yadav.
Two Biharis = booth-capturing squad.
Three Biharis = caste killing.
Four Biharis = entire literate population of Patna.

Punjabi
One Punjabi =100 kg hulk named Pinky.
Two Punjabis = Pinky with his bigger brother Twinky.
Three Punjabis = assault on the McAloo Tikkis at the local McDonalds.
Four Punjabis = combined IQ equal to one.

Mallu
One Mallu = coconut stall.
Two Mallus = a boat race.
Three Mallus = Gulf job racket.
Four Mallus = oil slick.

UP Bhaiyya
One UP bhaiyya = a milkman.
Two UP bhaiyyas = halwai shop.
Three UP bhaiyyas = a fist-fight in the UP assembly.
Four UP bhaiyyas = mosque-destruction squad.

Gujju
One Gujju = a share-broker in a Bombay train.
Two Gujjus = rummy game in a Bombay train.
Three Gujjus = Bombay's noisiest restaurant.
Four Gujjus = stock market scam.

Andhraite
One Andhraite = chilli farmer.
Two Andhraites = software company in New Jersey.
Three Andhraites = Naxalite outfit.
Four Andhraites = song-and-dance number in a Telugu movie.

Kashmiri
One Kashmiri = carpet salesman.
Two Kashmiris = carpet factory.
Three Kashmiris = terrorist outfit.
Four Kashmiris = shoot-at-sight order.

Tamil-Brahmin
One Tam-Brahm = priest at the Vardarajaperumal temple.
Two Tam-Brahms = maths tuition class.
Three Tam-Brahms = queue outside the U.S consulate at 4 a.m.
Four Tam-Brahms = Thyagaraja music festival in Santa Clara

Bombayite
One Bombayite = footpath vada-pav stall.
Two Bombayites = film studio.
Three Bombayites = slum
Four Bombayites = the number of people standing on your foot in the train

Sindhi
One Sindhi = currency racket.
Two Sindhis = papad factory.
Three Sindhis = duplicate goods shop in Ulhasnagar.
Four Sindhis = Hong Kong Retail Traders Association.

Marwari
One Marwari = the neighbourhood foodstuffs adulterator.
Two Marwaris = 50% of Calcutta.
Three Marwaris = finish off all Gujaratis & Sindhis.
Four Marwaris = threaten the Jews as a community.

birth

2006-01-27T00:51:00.000-08:00

Junior asks his dad, "Daddy, how was I born?"

His dad sighs and replies, "Ah, my son, I guess one day you would have to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, but it was too late to hit the delete button. Six weeks later, your mom sent me an instant message saying that her operating system was showing signs of unauthorized program activity from a self-extracting file which had implanted itself in her BIOS.

Then nine months later a little Pop-Up appeared and said: 'You've Got Male'

Men Bashing

2006-01-26T23:43:00.000-08:00

Why do men like love at first sight?
It saves them a lot of time.

What did God say after creating man?
I can do better.

How do men sort their laundry?
"Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable".

What is the thinnest book in the world?
"What men know about women."

What's the difference between men and government bonds?
Bonds mature.

What is a man's idea of doing housework?
Lifting his leg so you can vacuum.

How do men exercise on the beach?
By sucking in their stomach everytime they see a bikini.

Why are men like commercials?
You can't believe a word they say.

Men-tal Anxiety. . . Men-opause. . . Men-tal Breakdown. . .
Ever noticed that all problems start with MEN?

How do you keep your husband from reading your e-mail?
Rename the mail folder to "Instruction Manual."

2006-01-23T14:32:00.000-08:00

A teacher forwarded this list of comments from test papers, essays, etc., submitted to science and health teachers by elementary, junior high, high school, and college students. As she noted, "It is truly astonishing what weird science our young scholars can create under the pressures of time and grades."

"H2O is hot water, and CO2 is cold water"
"To collect fumes of sulphur, hold a deacon over a flame in a test tube"
"When you smell an odorless gas, it is probably carbon monoxide"
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin. Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration, and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is even deader."
"Artificial insemination is when the farmer does it to the cow instead of the bull."
"Dew is formed on leaves when the sun shines down on them and makes them perspire"
"A super saturated solution is one that holds more than it can hold."
"Mushrooms always grow in damp places and so they look like umbrellas."
"The pistol of a flower is its only protections against insects."
"The skeleton is what is left after the insides have been taken out and the outsides have ben taken off. The purpose of the skeleton is something to hitch meat to."
"A permanent set of teeth consists of eight canines, eight cuspids, two molars, and eight cuspidors."
"The tides are a fight between the Earth and moon. All water tends towards the moon, because there is no water in the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins in this fight."
"A fossil is an extinct animal. The older it is, the more extinct it is."
"Equator: A managerie lion running around the Earth through Africa."
"Germinate: To become a naturalized German."
"Liter: A nest of young puppies."
"Magnet: Something you find crawling all over a dead cat."
"Momentum: What you give a person when they are going away."
"Planet: A body of Earth surrounded by sky."
"Rhubarb: A kind of celery gone bloodshot."
"Vacuum: A large, empty space where the pope lives."
"Before giving a blood transfusion, find out if the blood is affirmative or negative."
"To remove dust from the eye, pull the eye down over the nose."
"For a nosebleed: Put the nose much lower then the body until the heart stops."
"For dog bite: put the dog away for several days. If he has not recovered, then kill it."
"For head cold: use an agonizer to spray the nose untill it drops in your throat."
"To keep milk from turning sour: Keep it in the cow."
"When you breathe, you inspire. When you don't, you expire."
"Nitrogen is not found in Ireland because it is not found in a free state."
"The body consists of three parts -- the brainium, the borax, and the abominable cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs, and the abominable cavity contains the bowls, of which there are five -- a,e, i, o, and u."

office jokes

2006-01-23T03:38:00.000-08:00

Accessories

2006-01-22T20:52:00.000-08:00

....have you heard about the new cell-phone?.....it's just Rs2000.But the extension cord is Rs12000.

hearing aid

2006-01-20T06:35:00.000-08:00

Seems an elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years.He went to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%. The elderly gentleman went back in a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your family must be really pleased you can hear again."
To which the gentleman said, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to the conversations. I've changed my will five times!"

Compitition

2006-01-17T20:52:00.000-08:00

Two guys are hiking in the forest when they suddenly come across a big Grizzly bear! The one guy takes off his hiking boots and puts on some running shoes!His friend says to him "You're crazy! There's no use, do you know how fast Grizzlies are, you'll never be able to out run it!" and the guy says, "I only have to out run you!"

/*/*/*

A gracious old lady packed up her family Bible to send to her brother who lived far away. At the post office, the clerk asked her, "Is there anything breakable in here?" She replied, "Only the Ten Commandments."

Cheating wife

2006-01-15T13:40:00.000-08:00

One morning at a doctor's surgery a patient arrives complaining of Serious back pain. The doctor examines him and asks him" OK, what happened to your back?" The patient replies "You know that I work for a local night club? This morning I got home to my apartment early and heard a noise in my bedroom. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the balcony door was open. I rushed out the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony I saw a man running out and he was dressing himself. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at him,That's how I strained my back"

The 2nd patient arrives looking as if he has been in a car wreck. The doctor said "My previous patient was looked bad, but you look terrible.What the hell happened to you?" He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now .Today was the first day at my new job. I forgot to set my alarm and was running late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the same time, and you won't believe it but I was hit by a fridge."

The 3rd patient arrives; he looks even worse than the other two patients do. The doctor is shocked. Again asks, "What the hell happened to youuuuuu.....?"
"Well I was sitting in a fridge & someone threw it from the 3rd floor"

crazy world

2006-01-12T20:14:00.000-08:00

You know the world is going crazy when
the best rapper is a white guy,the best golfer is a black guy, the tallest guy in the NBA is Chinese,the Swiss hold the America's Cup, France is accusing the U.S. of arrogance,Germany doesn't want to go to war, and the three most powerful men in Americaare named Bush, Dick, and Colon.
Need I say more?"

- - - -

more quotes

2006-01-12T03:07:00.000-08:00

Ø When I was born, I was so surprised I didn't
talk for a year and a half.

Ø Join the army, see the world, meet interesting
people, and kill them.

Ø Until I was 13, I thought my name was 'Shut
Up.'

Ø I'm not afraid to die. I just don't want to be
there when it happens.

Ø Always and never are two words you should
always remember never to use.

Ø I've never been drunk, but often I've been
over served.

Ø The road to success is always under
construction.

Ø I say no to drugs -- they just don't listen!

Ø Marriage is one of the chief causes of
divorce.

Ø Work is fine if it doesn't take up too much of
your time.

Ø When everything's coming your way, you're in
the wrong lane.

Ø Born free; Taxed to death.

Ø Everyone has a photographic memory; some
people just don't have film.

Ø Life is unsure; always eat your dessert first.

Ø Smile -- it makes people wonder what you're up
to.

Ø I love being a writer... what I can't stand is
the paperwork.

Ø A printer consists of 3 main parts: the case,
the jammed paper tray and the blinking red light.

Ø The hardest part of skating is the ice.

Ø The guy who invented the first wheel was an
idiot; the guy who invented the other three, he was
the genius.

Ø The trouble with being punc tual is that
there's no one there to appreciate it.

Ø If our constitution allows us free speech, why
are there phone bills?

Ø If you tell a man there are 300 billion stars
in the universe, he'll believe you. But if you tell
him a park bench has just been painted, he has to
touch it to be sure.

Ø Beat the 5 O'clock rush: leave work at noon!

Ø If you can't convince them, confuse them.

Ø It's not the fall that kills you; it's the
sudden stop at the end.

Ø I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your
horn louder.

Ø Hot glass looks same as cold glass. (Cunino's
Law of Burnt Fingers)

Ø Someday is not a day of the week

-Courtsey
Priyamvada Agrawal

random thought

2006-01-12T00:03:00.000-08:00

The difference between involvement and commitment is like an eggs-and-ham breakfast: the chicken was involved - the pig was committed.
- Anirban

Interesting thought

2006-01-11T12:28:00.000-08:00

What's the difference between women at the age of 8, 18, 28, 38, 48 and 58?
08 - You take her to bed and tell her a story.
18 - You tell her a story and take her to bed.
28 - You don't need to tell her any story to take her to bed.
38 - She tells you a story and takes you to bed.
48 - You tell her a story to avoid going to bed.
58 - You stay in bed all day to avoid hearing her story.

obituary

2006-01-11T00:33:00.000-08:00

Gallagher opened the morning newspaper and was dumbfounded to read in the obituary column that he had died. He quickly phoned his best friend, Finney. "Did you see the morning paper?" asked Gallagher. "They say I'm dead!" "Saw it," replied Finney. "Where're callin' from?"

ladies purse

2006-01-10T00:48:00.000-08:00

As the bus pulled away, a woman realized she had left her purse under the seat. Later, she called and was relieved that her bag had been found. When she went to pick it up, several off-duty bus drivers surrounded her. One handed her two typewritten pages, her purse, and a box containing the purse's contents. "We inventory everything we find. It's all there," he explained. As she started to put everything back into her purse, he continued, "May we watch? We all tried and failed to get it all back inside. We're curious as to how you do it!"

Newspaper Headlines

2006-01-09T06:08:00.000-08:00

Some obscure humour. These are actual funny newspaper headlines.

* Grandmother of eight makes hole in one
* House passes gas tax onto senate
* Two convicts evade noose, jury hung
* Safety experts say school bus passengers should be belted
* Milk drinkers are turning to powder
* NJ judge to rule on nude beach
* Farmer bill dies in house
* Panda mating fails - veterinarian takes over
* Organ festival ends in smashing climax
* Child's stool great for use in garden
* Soviet virgin lands short of goal again
* Deaf mute gets new hearing in killing

A car hit

2006-01-09T00:56:00.000-08:00

A car hit a software developer. After the paramedics loaded him into the ambulance, one asked him, "Are you comfortable?" The man replied weakly, "I make a nice living."

office is a maze

2006-01-05T05:16:00.000-08:00

Two deaf men

2006-01-05T01:16:00.000-08:00

Two deaf men on a coffee break were talking about how late they stayed out the previous night. One signed, "When I got home, my wife was asleep so I just slipped into bed without getting in trouble." The other signed back, "Lucky you. My wife was wide awake, sitting up in bed, waiting for me. She gave me hell for hanging out so late with you." The first signed back, "So? What did you do?" The second answered, "I turned out the light!"

terrifying words

2005-12-27T23:49:00.000-08:00

The nine most terrifying words in the English language are:
'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'

Four most: “Whose BRA is this!”

electrocution

2005-12-26T20:24:00.000-08:00

Three co-eds got really drunk celebrating their college graduation. They woke up in a foreign jail and were shocked to learn they were to be executed that very morning! The redhead was strapped into an electric chair and asked if she had any last words. "I'm a Brigham Young graduate and I believe that God Almighty will intervene on behalf of the innocent." They threw the switch and -- nothing happened! The police prostrated themselves, begged her forgiveness, and released her immediately. The brunette was strapped in and pronounced, "I'm a Harvard Law School graduate and I believe the power of justice will intervene on behalf of the innocent." They threw the switch and -- nothing happened! The police prostrated themselves, begged her forgiveness, and released her immediately. The blonde was strapped in and said, "I'm a Texas A&M graduate with a degree in Electrical Engineering and I believe y'all ain't gonna 'lectrocute nobody if you don't plug this sucker in!"

some riddles

2005-12-26T20:02:00.000-08:00

Here are 4 riddles which can keep your lateral thinking faculties busy for a long time...

heavenly punishment

2005-12-26T02:08:00.000-08:00

Heavenly Punishment
Three friends die and go to heaven. The first guy gets handcuffed to one of the ugliest girls there. ''Why?'' he asks. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The same happens to the second guy. He asks why. St. Paul replies, ''When you were nine you killed a bird with a stone.'' The third guy laughs at his friends and says, ''Thank God I didn't do anything like that.'' He gets handcuffed to the prettiest girl in heaven. The other two guys ask, ''Why?'' ''Because when she was nine she killed a bird with a stone.''

Wearing an Earring

2005-12-26T02:07:00.000-08:00

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an ear-ring.
This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense." The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into ear-rings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an ear-ring," he replies sheepishly.
"So, really? How long have you been wearing one?”
"Ever since my wife found it in our bed."

rambling of a father

2005-12-25T20:18:00.000-08:00

Our generation never got a break. When we were young they taught us to respect our elders. Now that we are older, they tell us to listen to the youth of the country.

quarrel

2005-12-21T20:43:00.000-08:00

Husband: Don’t put that money in your mouth.
There are germs on it.Wife: Don’t be silly. Even a germ can’t live on the money you make.

Poetic Resignation

2005-12-21T05:08:00.000-08:00

          Poetic Resignation

The name is good, the brand is big
But the work I do is that of a pig
The work or the brand; what is my way?
I don't know if I should stay.

To work, they have set their own way
Nobody will care to hear what I say
My will be NULL, they wont change their way
I don't know if I should stay.

The project is in a critical stage
But to do good work, this is the age
This dilemma is killing me day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The money is good, the place is great
But the development is at a very small rate
Should I go for the work, or wait for pay
I don't know if I should stay!

The managers don't know what they talk
The team doesn't know where they walk
That's a bad situation, what say?
I don't know if I should stay.

I can go to any other place
But what if I get the same disgrace
I can't keep switching day by day
I don't know if I should stay.

The -ves are more, the +ves are less
Then why have this unnecessary mess
No more will I walk their way,
It's all done, I won't stay.

Thanks & Regards
Employee

Manager Response

Reply: What I want to say? (Manager)

The decision is good or decision is bad
Only God knows still I am glad
Keep moving in life that is what I can say

If you feel right go in the same way
May god give you the work, the challenge you want
Anyway there is always a second chance
Chances are there, grab them snatch them
That is what I can say

Keep on jumping companies to get more and more and more....
That will keep you always a fore (Even to me)
From my experience I can tell you
Being in software development is like taking hell out of you
You are frustrated since you have no quality work
And you were frustrated because you had quantity work

It's always like that previous job was better than the current one
And expects the new job will be much better than this one
But what you get is a frustration level up to sun
Than you will again send the resignation like this one
This is all what I want to say

Have you completed all the formalities?
Filled the form and got it signed from department humanities (HR)
Once done you can take all your cash
But don't refer others as they will follow you're a*s.
At last I appreciate your contribution to the company
Even though there was not any....

You will keep a copy of this with you for FYI
Don't feel shy
As I also got it some time back from my old manger say Hi....
That is all what I want to say.

Thanks & Regards
Manager

Marriage joke

2005-12-20T21:37:00.000-08:00

During Marriage ceremony why is the bridegroom made to sit on the horse

He is given his last chance to run away.

christmas jokes

2005-12-19T00:15:00.000-08:00

Why does Santa Claus have the world's best job?
Because he knows where all the naughty girls live!

Somehow we always think we are aging at a slower rate than everyone else, this was true of this older woman who is seeing a doctor for the first time.
She was taken into a room and told to “make herself comfortable.” While reading the doctor's diploma on the wall, she realizes that she went to high school with him many years ago.
The doctor enters the room; he is very gray, and slightly bent over from old age, and says “hello, how can I help you?”
The woman asks; “Did you attend Roosevelt High School?”
“Yes I did”, the doctor answered.
She asks: “Class of 49?”
“Yes I was”, was the answered.
The woman was delighted, and said: “You were in my class!”
The doctor responded: “What did you teach?”

10 stupid questions

2005-12-17T01:40:00.000-08:00

   1. At the movies: When you meet acquaintances/friends...

   Stupid Question:-
   Hey, what are you doing here?
Answer:-
   Don’t u know, I sell tickets in black over here..

   2. In the bus: A heavy lady wearing pointed high-heeled shoes steps on your feet...

   Stupid Question:-
   Sorry, did that hurt?
Answer:-
   No, not at all, I'm on local anesthesia.....why don't you try again.

   3. At a funeral: One of the teary-eyed people ask...

   Stupid Question:-
   Why, why him, of all people.
Answer:-
   Why? Would it rather have been you?

   4. At a restaurant: When you ask the waiter

   Stupid Question:-
   Is ! the "Butter Paneer Masala" dish good??
Answer:-
   No, its terrible and made of adulterated cement. We occasionally also spit in it.

   5. At a family get-together: When some distant aunt meets you after years...

   Stupid Question:-
   Munna, Chickoo, you've become so big.
Answer:-
   Well you haven't particularly shrunk yourself.

   6. When a friend announces her wedding, and you ask...

   Stupid Question:-
   Is the guy you're marrying good?
Answer:-
   No, he's a miserable wife-beating , insensitive lout...it's just the money.

   7. When you get woken up at midnight by a phone call...

   Stupid Question:-
   Sorry. were you sleeping?
Answer:-
   No. I was doing research on whether the Zulu tribes in Africa marry or not. You thought I was sleeping....you dumb witted moron.

   8. When you see a friend/colleague with evidently shorter hair...

   Stupid Question:-
   Hey have you had a haircut?
Answer:-
   No, its autumn and I'm shedding......

   9. At the dentist when he's sticking pointed objects in your mouth...

   Stupid Question:-
   Tell me if it hurts?
   Answer:-
   No it wont. It will just bleed.

   10. You are smoking a cigarette and a cute woman asks...

   Stupid Question:-
   Oh, so you smoke.
   Answer:-
   Gosh, it's a miracle .......it was a piece of chalk and now it's in flames!!!

Drop Dead

2005-12-15T20:10:00.000-08:00

Six guys were playing poker when Smith loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five complete their playing time standing up. Roberts looks around and asks, "Now, who is going to tell the wife?" They draw straws. Rippington, who is always a loser, picks the short one. They tell him to be discreet, be gentle, don't make a bad situation any worse than it is. "Gentlemen! Discreet? I'm the most discreet man you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name, leave it to me." Rippington walks over to the Smith house, knocks on the door, the wife answers, and asks what he wants. Rippington says, "Your husband just lost $500 playing cards." She hollers, "TELL HIM TO DROP DEAD!" Rippington says, "I'll tell him.

Reflex tester

2005-12-12T00:42:00.000-08:00

The Reflex Tester! Test Your Skills

Mine was 0.4 seconds :(

work joke

2005-12-08T20:24:00.000-08:00

A man in a hot air balloon realized he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a man below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."
The man below replied, "You are in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You are between 40 and 42 degrees north latitude and between 58 and 60 degrees west longitude."
"You must be an engineer," said the balloonist.
"I am," replied the man, "but how did you know?"
"Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost.
"The man below responded, "You must be a manager."
"I am," replied the balloonist, "how did you know?"
"Well," said the man, "you don't know where you are or where you are going. You made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are exactly in the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my fault."

*****
Where all think alike, no one thinks very much.
-Walter Lippmann

bathroom

2005-12-08T01:45:00.000-08:00

Evan was so excited about his first day at his new school that within minutes he desperately had to go to the bathroom. He politely raised his hand, asked permission, and hurried out of the room. After five minutes he returned, more desperate than before and said, "I can't find it." The teacher drew a little map and sent him off again. Five minutes later, he was back again. "I still can't find it!" This time, the teacher sent Little Johnny with him. Ten minutes later, they returned. The teacher asked, "Well, Little Johnny? Did you find it?" Little Johnny replied, "Yep. He just had his underwear on backwards!"

quote of the day

2005-12-07T02:00:00.000-08:00

The quickest way to a man's heart really is through his stomach, because then you don't have to chop through that pesky rib cage.

Effective Communication

2005-12-06T03:13:00.000-08:00

What is Effective Communication?? Jack and Max are walking from religious service. Jack wonders whether it would be all right to smoke while praying. Max replies, "Why don't you ask the Priest?" So Jack goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I smoke while I pray?" But the Priest says, "No, my son, you may not. That's utter disrespect to our religion." Jack goes back to his friend and tells him what the good Priest told him. Max says, "I'm not surprised. You asked the wrong question. Let me try." And so Max goes up to the Priest and asks, "Priest, may I pray while I smoke?" To which the Priest eagerly replies, "By all means, my son. By all means." Moral: The reply you get depends on the question you ask. For Example: Can I work on this project while I'm on vacation ... !?

passing thought

2005-12-06T00:05:00.000-08:00

Is it really premarital sex if you have no intention of ever getting married?

Irony of life

2005-12-04T23:37:00.000-08:00

Irony of life

Every civilized man stops at the Red Light

- Sachin Godbole

biggest ranch

2005-12-04T20:15:00.000-08:00

A Texas Cattle Rancher and an Illinois Farmer were debating on who had the biggest spread of land. The Texas Cattle Rancher said, "I'll tell ya what son, my ranch is so big that I can get in my pickup truck and start out at the western entrance to my ranch and drive straight east all dog-gone day and still not reach the eastern entrance to my ranch". The Illinois Farmer scratched his head and spit out his chewing' tobacco and replied, "Ya know......I used to have an old pickup truck just like that".

Euthanasia

2005-11-30T01:23:00.000-08:00

A man and his wife were sitting in the living room when he said, "Just so you know, dear, I never want to live in a vegetative state, dependent on some machine, and fluids from a bottle. If that ever happens, I want you to pull the plug."

So his wife unplugged the TV and dumped out his beer!

MATRIMONIAL ADS

2005-11-28T04:45:00.000-08:00

MATRIMONIAL AD'S by PROFESSIONALS (Must Read)
*DOCTOR**
Recently a love-bug injected in me a strange bacteria, making me desirous of marriage.
I'm looking for a girl who is patient and has knowledge of all ills and pills, is religious minded and keeps away from all sins be it anasin, metasin or crosin. I promise to be a good doctor with no side effects. Apply or reply.

SOFTWARE ENGINEER
Wanted a Girl with a Lovely Look & Feel, Good GUI with Security features (privileges only for the Specific User especially critical Functionalities). There must not be any Critical or Medium Bug in her. Low Bugs can be deferred But needs to B fixed by the Next Build. She must not be PLATFORM INDEPENDENT, USER FRIENDLY. We are ready to Test the Application & CERTIFY the product but we will assure it will never be released to ANY OTHER Customer.
BEGGAR
Allah ke nam pe koi ek biwi de de, Doosre ki nahi to apni hi de de, Allah tujhe ek ke badle do dega, Hillary hogi to Monika bhi dega

LAWYER
I hereby beg to solicit myself as an eligible candidate for the post of husband after marriage. The person whom I'm looking for should be strictly a girl. The girl should be strictly a girl. The girl should be willing to surrender to the service and jurisdiction of My Lord i.e. . Myself. Any objection would be overruled and will not be sustained. Apply in confidence and if you have the confidence.

BANKER
Wanted wife who takes interest in me and credits me with her service.
SHAYAR
Badi muddat ke baad ek arzoo jaagi hai, Ki hum bhi shadi shuda ho jaye, Kya vajah shadi karane ki jo kahde sahi sahi, To yaaron ab khud se kaam ghar ka hota nahi.

DRUNKER
Wanted a girl. Girl's father should preferably have a soda factory. I am an occasional alcoholic who drinks only when friends come home. Friends come home only seven times a week. Girl preferred will carry me from bar to ghar-bar. Meet personally or send soda for trial. Sample should be ample.

CAR MECHANIC
Wanted a sturdy wife. Should be in working condition. Should be above average and must run the household at a good average.** ** *
*And Finally, A Chartered Accountant*
*Wanted a wife with tallied interests. Fixed Assets should be in a working Condition, not subject to depreciation. Enough long term cash liquidity is highly appreciated. Past related party disclosures is required. Inventory must be valued at present realizable value & not at historical cost. *
*Should be able to discount any contingent liabilities in future husband. Interested person please apply at............. *

golf joke

2005-11-28T01:51:00.000-08:00

One golfer said to another, "Guess what? I got a set of golf clubs for my wife!'' The other golfer replied, "Great trade!''

red shirt (silly joke)

2005-11-27T20:35:00.000-08:00

A 17th Century captain was sailing along with his crew when a pirate ship came over the horizon. The captain says, "Cabin boy, get me my red shirt." So, he gets his red shirt and they victoriously battle the pirates. Several days later, they spot another pirate ship off the port bow. "Cabin boy," says the captain "get me my red shirt." They again battle the pirates and are victorious. Later when things had settled down, the cabin boy asks, "Captain, why do you always want your red shirt just prior to battle?" The captain responds, "Well, in case I am inflicted with a wound, I don't want the crew to see my injury and lose spirit." "I see," says the cabin boy. A few days later, they sight 20 pirate in the distance the captain yells out, "Cabin boy, get me my brown pants."

Proof of global warming

2005-11-24T23:23:00.000-08:00

what i really want to do today

2005-11-24T01:11:00.000-08:00

http://www.videotiger.com/baddayvideo.shtml

let me know if any of you guys also feel the same

***

Honda accord amazing advertizement
http://www.steelcitysfinest.com/HondaAccordAd.htm

bangalored

2005-11-23T03:48:00.000-08:00

http://www.dilbert.com/comics/dilbert/archive/images/dilbert2005113320111.gif